Johnny's Final Monologue

I was searching for a compilation of monologue jokes from the great one tonight. I grew up during the 1990's for the most part when it came to television. Since I was born in 1984, I didn't grow up watching Johnny Carson. There's never going to be another Johnny Carson, sadly. Here's his final monologue that I got from the New York Times.

Around the studio, we are still on an emotional high from last night; we have not come down yet. I want to thank Robin Williams and Bette Midler for last night, for giving us an excellent show. They were absolutely sensational. The show tonight is our farewell show; it's going to be a little bit quieter.

It's not going to be a performance show. One of the questions people have been asking me, especially this last month, is, "What's it like doing 'The Tonight Show,' and what does it mean to me?" Well, let me try to explain it. If I could magically, somehow, that tape you just saw, make it run backwards. I would like to do the whole thing over again.

It's been a hell of a lot of fun. As an entertainer, it has been the great experience of my life, and I cannot imagine finding something in television after I leave tonight that would give me as much joy and pleasure, and such a sense of exhilaration, as this show has given me. It's just hard to explain. Now it's a farewell show. There's a certain sadness among the staff, a little melancholy. But look on the bright side: you won't have to read or hear one more story about my leaving this show. The press coverage has been absolutely tremendous, and we are very grateful. But my God, the Soviet Union's end did not get this kind of publicity. The press has been very decent and honest with me, and I thank them for that . . . That's about it. The greatest accolade I think I received: G.E. named me "Employee of the Month." And God knows that was a dream come true. Almost a No-Show

I don't like saying goodbye. Farewells are a little awkward, and I really thought about this -- no joke -- wouldn't it be funny, instead of showing up tonight, putting on a rerun? NBC did not find that funny at all. Next question I get is what am I gonna do? Well, I have not really made any plans. But the events of this last week have helped me make a decision. I am going to join the cast of Murphy Brown, and become a surrogate father to that kid. During the run on the show there have been seven United States Presidents, and thankfully for comedy there have been eight Vice Presidents of the United States. Now I know I have made some jokes at the expense of Dan Quayle, but I really want to thank him tonight for making my final week so fruitful. Here is an interesting statistic that may stun you. We started the show Oct. 2, 1962. The total population of the Earth was 3 billion 100 million people.

This summer 5 billion 500 million people, which is a net increase of 2 billion 400 million people, which should give us some pause. A more amazing statistic is that half of those 2 billion 400 million will soon have their own late-night TV show. 'Same Shabby Little Set'

Now, originally NBC came and said, what we would like you to do in the final show, is to make it a two-hour prime-time special with celebrities, and a star- studded audience. And I said, well, I would prefer to end like we started -- rather quietly, in our same time slot, in front of our same shabby little set.

It is rather shabby. We offered it to a homeless shelter and they said 'No, thank you.' I am taking the applause sign home -- putting it in the bedroom. And maybe once a week just turning it on. But we do have a V.P.I. audience -- V.P.I. audience? We could have had that, too. What I did was ask the members of the staff and the crew to invite their family, relatives and friends, and they did; with some other invited guests. My family is here tonight; my wife, Alex, my sons Chris and Cory. My brother Dick and my sister Katherine, a sprinkling of nephews and nieces. And I realized that being an offspring of someone who is constantly in the public eye is not easy. So guys, I want you to know that I love you; I hope that your old man has not caused you too much discomfort. It would have been a perfect evening if their brother Rick would have been here with us, but I guess life does what it is supposed to do. And you acccept it and you go on. About tonight's show. This is not really a performance show. This is kind of a look-back retrospective. We are going to show you some moments in time. Some images of the many people, and there have been some 23,000 people. We are going to show you a little excerpt of how the show is put together, so go get some more cheese dip and we'll be back in just a moment.

Here is his farewell from the end of the show
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

You people watching, I can only tell you that it's been an honor and a privilege coming into your homes all these years to entertain you. And I hope when I find something I want to do and think you would like, I can come back and (you will be) as gracious in inviting me into your homes as you have been.

I bid you a very heartfelt good night.

Here's some of the trivia I found over at IMDB:
Post-1980 Johnny Carson Tonight Show programs are owned by Carson Productions. Carson got the rights as part of a contract signed following a 1979 battle with NBC president Fred Silverman.

From at least the early 1980s onward, rather than bleeping offensive language, gibberish words were usually overdubbed instead. For example, one night when a Carnack the Magnificent sketch bombed, Carson was seen to exclaim "Holy sh*t!" Viewers heard him proclaim "Holy palooga!"

Over the years, a number of traditions were introduced into the opening of the show and Carson's monologue. These included (among many): Ed McMahon's call "Heeeeerrrre's Johnny!", Carson swinging an imaginary golf club at the end of the monologue, Carson pulling down the boom mike to announce "Attention K-Mart shoppers!", and Carson breaking into a soft-shoe dance as the band plays "Tea for Two". These last two examples were usually reserved for use when jokes failed.

One of the only occasions in which the program did not feature an opening monologue happened in January 1986 when guest-host Joan Rivers chose not to deliver one out of respect for the victims of the Challenger disaster, which had occurred that morning.

Originally broadcast live. Sometime after the series moved from New York to NBC's Burbank studios in the 1970s, production changed to same-day taping; this practice continued after the series was taken over by Jay Leno.

One of the most hilarious and best-remembered (purely unplanned) moments was when guest Ed Ames demonstrated his tomahawk-throwing technique, aiming for a cowboy sketched onto a prop wall. The tomahawk struck the drawing right in its crotch; the whole set broke into pandemonium.

Many taped episodes (including appearances by Ayn Rand, and John Lennon and Paul McCartney) were lost in a fire at NBC's archive, and only clips made for other programs (show "best-of"s, promotion, news) have survived.