The Wrath of Stephen Colbert

Transcript from the ending of last night's show word for word. The Language Log originally posted the transcript.

Before we go, I want to say something about the first "Word" from the first ever broadcast of this show. Jimmy, roll the tape.

(Video: "Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the Word Police, the wordanistas over at Webster's, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word.'")

Turns out I underestimated those wordanistas. On Friday the American Dialect Society chose truthiness as the 2005 Word of the Year, beating words like podcast and Katrinagate. We kicked their asses. And I've never been so honored and insulted at the same time.

You see the Associated Press article announcing this prestigious award, written by one Heather Clark, had a glaring omission: me. I'm not mentioned, despite the fact that truthiness is a word I pulled right out of my keister. Instead of coming to me, here's where Ms. Clark got the definition.

Quote: Michael Adams, a professor at North Carolina State University who specializes in lexicology, said (subquote) "truthiness" means "truthy, not facty."

First of all, I looked him up. He's not a professor, he's a visiting associate professor. And second, it means a lot more than that, Michael. I don't know what you're getting taught over there in English 201 and 324 over at Tompkins Hall, Wolfpack. But it isn't truthiness.

You know what? Bring out the board, bring out the board.

Visiting associate professor Michael Adams: you, sir, are on notice. OK, somebody's gotta go. E Street Band, this is your lucky day.

OK, there it is. Deal with it.

But the real culprit here is so-called reporter Heather Clark. This is her sleaziest piece of yellow journalism since "New Mexico Poll Watchers See Smooth Election Day." Now I already tore her a new one for that. Heather Clark, you are dead to me.

Let's bring out the board.

Get ready, Heather. Get ready, brace yourself. How does that feel? Does that sting? Now that you're dead to me, you're gonna wish you were never born.

I'm sorry you had to see that, nation. But in the interest of truthiness, it had to be done. Good night.