Romney wins Iowa Caucus

The following is excerpt from my untitled second book due out in January 2013.

As for the Iowa Caucus results, the story is not that Mitt Romney won but how he beat the fucking douchebag we like to call Rick Santorum. One has a flip-flop problem. The other has a Google problem.

Congressman Ben Chandler (D-KY6) must certainly know how Mitt Romney must feel with escaping after such a small margin of victory. Chandler barely won during the Tea Party Tidal Wave of 2010. Of course, Chandler’s victory was by a margin of 647 votes—nothing like that of Romney but still, it’s not a great figure! Romney won by a final margin of 8 fucking votes.

Eight. Not 5, not 6, not 7, but EIGHT. That’s less than the number of people you can count on your hand if you are as so inclined to do so.

With the majority of the vote split between Romney, Santorum and crazy nutcase Ron Paul, the nation should be so lucky that we never have to hear from Michele Bachmann as a presidential candidate since she’s toast following a shitty performance in her native state of Iowa.

Rick Perry? Despite a shitty showing as well, he’s hanging in the race. By a thread, I hope. He’ll be forced to leave after South Carolina seeing as how he’s nowhere close to the views of liberal New Hampshire. They are fucking liberal, right?

The smart betting money would have to be on the Bachman supporters deciding to make the decision to switch their votes over to someone like a Rick Perry or Newt Gingrich. Maybe even Rick Santorum…but then again, there’s that Google problem. Newt has a family values problem so he would be a hard sell in any event.

For most of the conservative Republicans, it’s the anybody-but-Mitt bandwagon. It’s been that case during the entire pre-primary season. The Baskin-Robbins Flavor of the Month if you will.