Jon Stewart's Message from a Jew

This was a track on a CD that Jon Stewart was "blackmailed" into doing. I've tried to take out all the explitives. It took a while to transcribe as well.

Jon brings up a good point with the holiday programming. It gets old fast. I have to find a new Pesach show because The Ten Commandments has too many errors.

Jon's Message:
Hi, people, this is Jon Stewart. You may know me as that guy who used to have that show but is now six months away from doing an infomercial purely for cash because he's a coke whore.

OOPS...

Um, at the urging of my good pals Kevin and Bean - uh, well, maybe not urging so much as blackmail... but I swear to God, dressed up, he really did look like a...

Uh, well. I was supposed to come up with a recipe for their Christmas tape on how the Juice stole Christmas, but I gotta be honest with you:

The Jews didn't steal Christmas, alright? When are you going to get over This "savior-killing" thing? I had nothing to do with it. I was with my brother all day. Ask around.

Actually, I was in my driveway practicing my golf swing. Alright? So I didn't kill your savior. That's not my bloody yarmulke you found. Not at all.

Alright, now here's your holiday recipe, my friends. It goes like this: take a country filled mainly with Christians, throw in a couple of Jews who live in New York, like me, add a bottle of scotch and maybe a dash of bitterness. And what do you get?

A s****y Christmas.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's right. Jews hate Christmas. You wanna know why? Because the rest of you people aren't Jews. While you're out there celebrating the festive birth of your savior, we're running around like a**holes because the oil lasted longer than we thought it would.

That's right, that's what Hanukkah is: a holiday about a bargain. We're celebrating a bargain for eight f***ing days.

I'll tell you, people often ask me, "Jon, what do Jews do on Christmas?" And the answer is, of course, "We sleep late." Not a whole lot going on for us that day.

Or, we work at a 24-hour convenience store because you people wanted the day off.

And if I may, while on the subject, make a quick point: could you maybe change some of the holiday programming you guys throw in there? How many showings of the same show do we have to see? It always ends like this: "I don't think there's gonna be a Christmas. But wait!" It gets a little redundant. How many times can I hear a guy standing in front of his family, going, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

All I'm saying is, people, let's heal the wounds of this country: Christian, Jew, Black, Asian, and even those funny smelly people that drive the things - what we need to do is get together.

And that's my recipe this year. Come to my house. Bagel brunch. You bring the Manishevitz, I'll bring the doughnuts.