Guest Post: Keith Chambers

This is from my friend Keith, one of the lyricists of "Lazy Tuesday" and of my many comedy writers from The Nightly Show with Daniel Solzman.

Sunday; 10:30 AM:

(phone rings in Redick's apartment)

JJ: Double J in the house.

Coach K: JJ, this is Mike. I'm just checking on you to make sure you're not practicing. You need the rest. Stay at home today. Watch the Academy Awards or something. One of our cute cheeerleaders has agreed to watch them with you today and will be over at about 6:30 PM. If you want to you can use my American Express card to get dinner.

JJ: Thanks coach, I think I'll be fine.

12:30 PM: (phone rings at Redick's apartment)

JJ: Double J in the house.

Coach K: JJ, it's Mike. Listen. Dick Vitale refused to leave campus last night and is wandering around the dorms looking for you. He might be a basketball coach but lock your doors. Do not leave your apartment.

JJ: Oh, coach, it's cool. Whatever will be will be.

Coach K: No, JJ, listen to me. This will not only throw you off your whole basketball-free day, but running into Dick Vitale will also send you spiraling to the fourth layer of hell. He's demonic. No good can come of that man.

JJ: Alright coach, I'll take your word for it.

3:00 PM: (phone rings in Redick's apartment, answering machine picks up)

Redick's voice: Hi, you've reached my apartment/I hope you leave a message/Unless you're Tyler Hansbrough/In that case, go jump off the edge/of Chapel Hill. *beep*

Coach K's voice: JJ, this is Coach K. Call me as soon as you can.

3:10 PM: *phone rings in Coach K's pocket*

Coach K: Then I said I should be promoting events at Duke. Get it? Oh, gotta take this. *picks up phone* JJ, how are you?

JJ: Sorry coach, I was taking a dookie. Wouldn't want to talk to you while I'm in dispose.

Coach K: Oh JJ, I understand. Well done. I've coached you well. Listen, I've ordered some flowers for your date tonight. Stay in and enjoy the Academy Awards. I'll be driving in my Chevrolet Crossfire to Raleigh with my wife for a gala Oscar gathering, but my phone will be on.

JJ: Alright coach, I can handle it.

Coach K: Just to let you know: The cheerleader who's coming to your place tonight is named Sheila. She's originally from Pawtucket and she is a big sports fan. Talk to her about anything related to New England sports. Make her feel at home. Don't try to kiss her. Light hand contact. Brush your teeth before she comes.

JJ: Oh, Coach, you know I was going to do that. Aw shucks. You're making my face turn red. Oh geez.

Coach K: Alright, have a good night.

5:30 PM: *phone rings at Redick's apartment*

JJ: Hello?

Lee Melchionni: Double J, this is Lee. Heard you had a date tonight with Sheila. She's a good religious girl.

JJ: So I've heard.

Melchionni: Just watch out for Dick Vitale. Make sure it's a girl when you open the door.

Redick: Point taken.

Melchionni: Remember to dress semi-formal. No logos of any sort. No headbands. Remember that poem you wrote about dew? Dedicate that to her, maybe you'll get somewhere with her, maybe not. Don't do anything that would hurt the Pride of the Program.

Redick: Alright, but I do have one question. If I get stressed can I give someone a call?

Melchionni: No. You're on your own for this one, no timeouts, no help, just four hours of shoot and defend. Also don't try to sneak out and shoot baskets. Mr. Paulus will be watching.

JJ: Alright. See you later, man. *hangs up phone*

6:30 PM: *phone rings in Redick's apartment*

JJ: Hello?

Sheila: Hey JJ, this is Sheila. Look, I'm driving around trying to find your place. Is it the one with the creepy bald guy muttering "Awesome, baby!" in front of it?

JJ: No. Take a right, then look for unit #4. I'm four doors to the right.

Sheila: Okay. Thanks!

*five minutes later, a knock on JJ's apartment door*

JJ: Oh, hey. You must be Sheila?

Sheila: Yeah. Wow, you really dressed up in here! And look at the flowers! Such a sharp-shooter...

JJ: Well, except for the last four games.

Sheila: Oh, shh. Coach K said we shouldn't talk about Duke basketball. We should talk about something else, something a little more romantic... I know I'm not the only one who's begging to get out of Cameron when the fans have jumped up and down for the past two hours.

JJ: Yeah, it gets pretty hot... but... not... as... hot as... it could be. *JJ eyes up Sheila* It's like we need more than the water our waterboys provide to us... but after the game... most guys... we want that hotness...

Sheila: JJ, are you trying to say I'm attractive?

JJ: Well, you see, I guess... the answer is... yes.

Sheila: Oh, thank you. I wanted to look my best under heavy scrutiny and somewhat national exposure, something we (Duke basketball) haven't had to do since we almost ran the ACC table!

Redick: *sighs deeply* There's that basketball thing again.

Sheila: Oh, hon, I'm sorry. Why don't we sit down?

*45 minutes later*

Redick: So, we have two coaches with extremely long names. You know Coach K and how he spells his name. We also have an assistant coach, Steve Wojciechowski, which I know you can't spell for the life of you. We have a running bet as to how many major media stories misspell either or both names. Right now Boat (Eric Boateng, fr.) has the lead in that pool.

Sheila: I saw Boat the other day running around singing "God Save The Queen", what was that all about?

Redick: I have no idea.

*30 minutes later*

Sheila: Oh, that Jon Stewart is so funny! What an opening monologue. I was wondering if you've ever seen anything like that.

Redick: Well, there was this video on Kentucky basketball... that was pretty good. Probably one of the most loving tributes to a school's program I've seen in a while. Shame that they've been degraded so much in the media.

Sheila: So now they know what it feels like to be you.

Redick: Exactly. I hope you like italian food...

*an hour later*

Sheila: Wow, JJ, good dinner, fantastic dessert... and we're still an hour away from Best Picture. What was your favorite movie you saw this year?

Redick: Well, me and some of the guys went to see "The Aristocrats".

Sheila: That movie about the cats?

Redick: No, the movie about the dirtiest joke ever.

Sheila: Oh, I see. Can you tell the joke?

*five minutes later*

Redick: And the talent agent says, "Wow. What do you call this?" And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Sheila: I don't get it.

Redick: Well, Sean Dockery almost passed out from laughing so hard... guess you can't please everybody.

*an hour later*

Steven Spielberg's voice: And the winner of best picture goes to... Brokeback Mountain!

Sheila: Oh, how sweet, a movie about love won Best Picture!

Redick: Isn't that nice... I wrote you a poem. I call it "Summer Dew."

The air is crisp with life/The plants are green as grass/The dewdrops sparkle softly/I hope this time does not pass/Let's lay down on our blanket/And stare towards the sky/While the dewdrops glisten, to the birds we'll listen/While the hours pass right on by.

Sheila: Oh, JJ, that's so good! You're a scholar and a gentleman. *hugs Redick. Redick hugs back, unsure of what just happened* I've got to go, thank you for everything, maybe we should do this again sometime. Take care of yourself, good luck with everything!

Redick: Alright, goodbye Sheila...

*phone rings at Redick's house right after Sheila closes the door*

Redick: Hello?

Tyler Hansbrough: Hey Red, it's T-Hands.

Redick: I wish I could quit you.