My Interview with Rand Paul

Daniel Solzman: Thank you for joining the Kentucky Democrat today. How are things going?
Rand Paul: Things could be better. I really screwed this thing up. I mean, I thought I had it under control but you make one lousy appearance on MSNBC, and look what happens. Words get spun out of context. Oh, well, I digress.

DS: When did you officially decide to run for Senate and what factored into that decision?
RP: Officially? Well, that would really be the minute that America screwed it up by electing Obama and Biden. Wouldn’t you rather have the lady that could see Russia from her house? I know that I would. America would be better off with Sarah Palin in Washington, DC.

DS: You’re an ophthalmologist, correct?
RP: Yes, I am president of the National Board of Ophthalmology because I was fed up with the actual board. I play by my own rules. Why listen to someone else’s view points? I thought what they were doing was unfair. Now, in my organization, I’m president. My wife is, I forget. My father-in-law is involved as well. All stays in the family.

DS: Do you plan to outreach to bloggers or, as they are being called, the netroots? Do you have any thoughts on the way that blogs have revolutionized politics altogether?
RP: Yes, I plan to utilize the Democratic bloggers to really paint me for who I am, a flip-flopper. I flip-flopped on the Bailout Ball because when I say something during a primary campaign, I also realize it holds true to the general election, too, but then again, I am Rand Paul and I don’t follow the rules. Jake and Joe are doing a great job and telling everyone who I really am and what I really mean.

DS: Do you feel that the state party is heading in the right direction?
RP: No, they screwed up. Trey Grayson is a great guy. He deserved to win the election, not me. I’m a guy that doesn’t even represent Kentucky values. I think businesses should serve who they wish to serve—this is 2010, not 1964. What does that say about Kentucky when a candidate runs on something that was an issue 50 years ago? It says that I’m scared of the present day issues. Listen, the economy sucks but that’s not really Obama’s fault, but Bush’s. He screwed up but I’m blaming it on Obama because I can so Republicans can win across the boards even though Republicans don’t deserve to win.

DS: How about the national party given the perception in the commonwealth?
RP: There’s a lot of disagreement between the social conservatives, moderates, and the tea party movement. I don’t know what will happen but I’m scared for our country.

DS: Do you think it's possible that the party will make more gains in the US Senate?
RP: I don’t know.

DS: You refuse to say whether you will vote to retain Mitch McConnell as minority leader. Why?
RP: Because I want him as Majority Leader. Don’t you see what I’m trying to say?

DS: Jon Stewart or Bill O'Reilly?
RP: Glenn Beck.

DS: On that note, what is your stance on kittens and woodchippers?
RP: I’m for limited government. My stance on kittens and woodchippers has nothing to do with the American values that I am not running on. Kittens and woodchippers are a non-issue as the campaign is concerned. Listen, I don’t mean to say I would vote against kittens or woodchippers but I just don’t see how it has anything to do with the Senate race.

DS: What do you believe should be the three most important priorities for Congress?
RP: My three most important priorities for congress are not for you to read right now because it’s very important that nobody knows what Rand Paul stands for so that nobody votes for Rand Paul in November because Rand Paul doesn’t represent Kentucky values, much less belong in Congress or the Senate, especially given the tax evasion issues.

DS: Thanks for joining the Kentucky Democrat and keep up the good fight!
RP: Thanks for writing a spoof interview that has nothing to do with Rand Paul, Rand Paul’s campaign, or well, the Pauls.

The above is a satirical interview that never took place.