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Top Ten signs you are a Jewish Cubs Fan
by Shlomo Hubscher, Tel Aviv, Israel

10. One morning, your name is Steve Bartman, a good Jewish cubs fan. The next morning Cubs fans the world over are blaming the Jews not only for prevention of world peace, but also maintaining “the curse”. Only now do you feel ready to come out of hiding in order to submit this list to BangItOut.com.
9. You suggest to the shul board to plant ivy in the back of the shul to instill awe and inspiration for davening.
8. You start attending brit milas, where children’s names are Sammy, Moishe (Moises), and Kerry.
7. You find yourself often mixing up the phrases “Next year is our year” and “L’shana Haba’ah b’Yerushalayim.
6. You realize that there’s no coincidence that the Cubs colors are blue and white.
5. Holidays take on a new meaning: You consider Nissan the “Time of our Redemption” because it usually coincides with Opening Day at Wrigley. Instead of concentrating on self-reflection come Yom Kippur, you find yourself reflecting on the holes in the cubbies’ lineup wondering what kind of teshuva is necessary to get them into the playoffs NEXT year.
4. Also during Ellul, when beating your chest for “al chaits”, you find yourself doing the Sammy kissing of two fingers.
3. You and your people have long wandered the desert, believing with steadfast faith, that you will reach the promised land one day.
2. Despite years of trials and tribulations, of mockery and persecution from your enemies, Yemach Shemam (Yankee Fans), you nonetheless remain identified and affiliated.
1. Mesilat Yesharim teaches us to view this life as but a vestibule to the World to Come, to cope with the difficulties and challenges of this world, for all the sweeter will it be when we arrive at the World to Come. So too, as Cubs fans, we must see these last 96 years of exile, of being in the baseball Diaspora, as a necessary prelude, so that we are zocheh the sweetness that will be the World Championship.

Since I am in mourning right now, I might as well list this one.

Top Ten Similarities between the NCAA Tournament and Passover
By Dick Viytare in Shas

10. March Madness is what you call the month prior to Pesach when you clean your house
9. The Final Four is a clear reference to the Four Sons
8. Dick Vitale shares the same hair style as Yuel Brenner
7. Sweet Sixteen is the unmentioned final step of the seder night: Going to sleep drunk
6. Wildcats, Longhorns, Terrapins, Hawks, Tigers, add up to one crazy dose of Arbah
5. Talk about snubbed, the Jews were put in the lowest bracket for over 200 years
4. After all is said and done, the Egyptians are definitely going to be upset
3. You call your #1 pick "The Chosen People"
2. At the Big Dance (Sinai) the Jews became the sleeper
1. NCAA is actually one of the lost acronymns of Rabbi Gamliel: Negotiate Cash for Afikomen Abduction

This might explain my mom's side and the anorexia.
Top Ten Stereotypes of Jewish Girls
by Heyden Graham

10. She'll "just have the salad"
9. Her name is Rachel
8. She’s five foot two
7. She has curly dark hair (but she blows it straight)
6. She's "really down to earth"
5. Skirts to shul, track pants to the gym
4. She is a social worker/teacher/health care provider/Jewish service professional
3. She loves children
2. She always has to pee
1. And the last, best stereotype of a Jewish Girl: She’s always cold.