This is not all of the monologue but most of the highlights.
Welcome to the exciting season finale of the TONIGHT SHOW, ladies and gentlemen.
As you know, this is our last show after 17 years. I want to thank all the people that made it possible - Michael Jackson, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton ...
Seventeen years! Do you realize when I started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. Did you know that? When we started this show 17 years ago, Jon and Kate were both 8! The only thing that hasn't changed in 17 years? The Clippers still suck.
I tell you, NBC has been nothing but great today. Jeff Zucker called me, said that I can purchase the robe that's hanging in my room.
People have been asking "what are you gonna do after your last show? Are you going on vacation?" I will be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me. NBC prime time.
As many as you know, we're not really leaving. We're coming back at 10 o'clock in September. And i'll admit, it’s a gamble. I'm betting everything NBC will be around in 3 months.
As you know, President Obama was here in Los Angeles this week to bring his message of change to Hollywood, and really, there's no place in America that loves change more than Hollywood, the place that brought you four TERMINATOR sequels, ten POLICE ACADEMY movies and 29 STAR TREK films. This town runs on new and innovative ideas, doesn't it folks?
I tell ya, Kev, the economy is bad! In West Hollywood I saw a gay bar having a "ladies night." That's how bad the economy is.
I saw a possum playing dead, just to try and collect the insurance money.
You know what's hurting - state fairs. Attendance is so low, carnival workers are being forced to molest each other.
You know the the rapper DMX...today i saw him riding around on a BMX.
We've had a lot of fun doing these jokes about the economy - you know the reason why they work is because they're an homage to one of the all-time great comics, and a longtime friend of the show, Rodney Dangerfield. I loved Rodney.