Wednesday, April 01, 2009

MLB to eliminate the Chicago Cubs

In a shocking and unprecedented press conference yesterday morning, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced that he made the sole decision to eliminate the Chicago Cubs from the MLB.

Citing the flattering attempts by Cardinal and White Sox fans to kick the Chicago Cubs out of Major League Baseball, Commissioner Selig said he finally gave in and told Chicago Cubs management that the MLB oweners and players' association had unanimously approved Chicago's elimination. Here's his full statement to the press:

"It was with heavy regret and much sadness that the MLB has had to come to this decision. After much bickering during the 100 years of misery for Chicago Cubs fans, we decided that it is in the best interest of their fans to just end their suffering once and for all. I've had meetings with Chicago management and have assured them that both the International League and Pacific Coast Leagues will always have room for them but the MLB wants to have teams that can put up champions every year. What Chicago is doing just isn't good enough. You have the White Sox on the south side of the city and they actually have won twice in 100 years. You have the Brewers on the north and believe me, they are actually good this year. If the Cubs decide that they don't want to keep choking, we'll look at the situation next year but that will likely happen when pigs decide to fly."

Joining Bud Selig at the press conference were former Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella and former General Manager Jim Hendry.

Piniella read a short statement: "I accept full responsibility. The Chicago Cubs have played like f***ing crap so the ballclub doesn't f***ing deserve to play like the piece of s**t if they continue to keep choking like a bunch f***ing losers. How can you live with a team that can't even win a game during the f***ing playoffs two years in a row? I can't live with that."

Hendry, while holding back tears, made a short statement in front of the press: "I'm leaving the Chicago Cubs organization to start start touring the nation to tell people how they can run a business into the ground because this just isn't working out."

When President Barack Obama was told of this, all he could do was show his excitement and say, "Yes, we can have one team in Chicago. Yes, we can agree that the Chicago White Sox rule in Chicago."

Television commentators were some of the first to chime in.

Sportscenter's Stuart Scott was the first to speak after the news broke. "Booyah! This is the best news in all of baseball.

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, a former sportscaster for ESPN, wanted to get his two cents in. "That's a double play if you're scoring at home...or if you're by yourself."

Baseball Tonight anchor Karl Ravech started out the Baseball Tonight special with these words: Snap. Crackle. Pop.

It was only a matter of hours before The Daily Show with Jon Stewart got word of this. Opening up the show, Jon Stewart decided to postpone his scheduled interview with Jim Cramer to follow up on their first interview, and instead decided to celebrate. "Ladies and gentlemen, Major League Baseball has made a smart decision! If you missed it this afternoon and I'm sure you did because you were following the John Calipari coaching carousel, Bud Selig, the commissioner of Major League Baseball, decided that the Chicago Cubs were no longer worthy of playing in the big leagues. Roll the clip!" The clip of the earlier comments were shown. "If you had your money on Chicago choking before the season started, you were right!"

Not wanting to be outdone, Stephen Colbert in last night's show decided that the word of the day was to be mockery. "You made a mockery out of America's favorite past time, Bud Selig. You should be ashamed of yourself. This is a bad move. I, I don't want to have anything to do with you. Forget being placed on notice, Commissioner Selig, you are dead to me! Go f*** yourself!" Colbert swore to the audience.

We'll have more as the story develops...

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