Screw The Oscars

I wanted to be the first to congratulate Natalie Portman for winning the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress but things didn't quite go so well. I'll be sitting shiva!

Chris Rock had a killer monologue but bring back Billy Crystal!
Transcript:

Hey, a lot of people like to bash Bush. I'm not going to bash Bush here tonight. I saw Farenheit 9-11 and I think Bush is a genius. I think Bush did some things this year nobody in this room could do. Nobody in this room could pull off, okay? 'Cause Bush basically reapplied for his job this year. Now can you imagine applying for a job and while you're applying for that job, there's a movie in every theater in the country that shows how much you suck at that job? It'd be hard to get hired, wouldn't it? [laughter]

I watched Farenheit, I learned some stuff, man. Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job there, never, ever ever. You know, when Bush got into office, they had a surplus of money. Now there's like a 70 trillion dollar deficit. Now, just imagine if you worked at The Gap. [laughter] You're closin' out your register and its 70 trillion dollars short. The average person would get in trouble for somethin' like that, right? Not Bush, no. [extended applause]

Then, then he started a war. That's cool, support the troops, he started a war. Now let's imagine you worked at The Gap. You're 70 trillion behind on your register and then you start a war with Banana Republic [laughter] 'cause you say they got toxic tank tops over there. Ya have the war, people are dyin, a thousand Gap employees are dead, that's right, bleedin' all over the khakis, ya finally take over Banana Republic and then you find out they never made tank tops in the first place. [laughter and applause][...]

Did a great bit on "Wait for a star..."
You want Tom Cruise but can only get Jude Law? WAIT.

You want Russell Crowe but can only get Colin Farrell? WAIT.

You want Denzel but can only get me? WAIT

What's up with the French song? I thought we hated them?!?

Albert Brooks is a brilliant director and he said White Chicks was robbed.

Okay, The Aviator will sweep this year.

Nice tribute to the late comedian Johnny Carson.