These were the jokes delivered on the tribute show to Johnny Carson on the Late Show with David Letterman during the monologue (I finally was able to get a hold of them!):
This was interesting. John Kerry ... (Applause and cheers) You heard he didn’t win? John Kerry has been under fire for throwing away his Vietnam military medals. Not to be outdone, President Bush threw away his spotty National Guard attendance records.
The cab rates in New York City are going up. The fees are going from $2.00 to $2.50 – or, as a New York cab driver will tell you, that’s a 22-rupee increase.
Paris Hilton has a dog named Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell went missing for a while. But don’t fear, she was found later with the Taco Bell chihuahua making a sex video.
President Bush is overseas meeting with the pope. You saw them sitting there together on TV. He looked old, he looked confused, like he didn’t know where he was ... and then the pope told him to relax.
On the way back, President Bush stopped in Canada and got a cool reception. But on the bright side, he was able to stop and buy some discount prescription drugs.
The Red Cross has been in Iraq meeting with Saddam Hussein. He looked out of it. Apparently he kept asking, "When is Sean Penn coming back?" Not a good sign.
Did you see the guys with the rocket ship going into outer space? A couple of guys broke a record sending their civilian-made spacecraft 50 miles into space. You all know at that height there’s only two manmade things visible from that height. Only two manmade things are visible ... the Great Wall of China and Donald Trump’s hair.